My Linux Blog
To those that don't know, I have multiple operating systems, Suse Linux 10.0 is one of them. I really couldn't think of something to start lines of communication, so I used the fact that I am on my laptop using Suse as a segway.
I feel so lost right now, even my Magic BestBuy Ball doesn't wanna tell me what to do. It feels like when one question gets answered, twelve more pop. Russel Rios called it Vietnam syndrome, not because it's like PTSD, but because it feels like shit keeps coming my way. Lets break these elements down:
My Love life: So there is this girl who I am crazy about, she's a nerd, she's funny, she likes my shows, she likes my movies, she is the cooliest. I would love to ask her out, but she is dating a douche. Her boyfriend is an absolute douche. Believe me, I don't say this because I'm jealous; gun to my head, I think he is a waste of space. What she sees in him is beyond me. Anywho, she and he always seem like an ironclad combo whenever I have an opportunity to strike. What is even more frustration is the fact that when things aren't going well between the two love birds I'm a million miles away (not always literally). It just doesn't make sense to me. I try and not think about it, and yet something always draws me to it. Maybe its a defense mechanism, maybe I'm just afraid of acting so I just let things get in the way. Maybe I'm just making excuses. Questions, questions, and more questions come from one.
To add to this, my ex all of sudden decides that she wants to “randomly” call my best friend and converse about the past, the present and the future. Why? Here's how it works, it's like she and I got divorced, she got all my Amphi friends and I got Alexander. I'm sorry, but we had an agreement, at least I thought we did. What causes me to falter isn't the fact that she's calling him (it just annoys me, protocol is there for a reason damn it), no, its the fact that she hates Alexander. For lack of a better term, Alexander was my double agent. After we broke up whenever I needed to know anything about her, I would ask him to go in. He would go, befriend her, and find whatever I needed to know. I wasn't proud of it, well I was a little proud, but that's the way it always went down. Miss *Censored by the annoying people against facts, also known as my ex girlfriend and her friends, this message was paid for by the Alan is an asshole committee* knows to 100% certainty whatever is said to Alexander is tape recorder and played back for me, literally. A part of me thinks she always knew that too, she just decided to tell me stuff through him because she's to proud to say it directly to me. There is a back story to the literal comment, but I wont venture forward. Why call? What is there to say but fuck you, how dare you judge me, so on and so forth? What plagues me is what always plagues me, her motivation. I know that even if I knew the answer to the question I have no more than I started with, but it still lingers on, why?
Where I'll be: I am really resolute about going up to ASU, I've even started to develop a level of school pride. My phone has ASU as the background, I have a bunch of dark orange T-shirts on order, so much so that I've often been asked if I'm the secret new Orange Power Ranger. Power Rangers hoooaaa! As strongly as I hold onto the ideal that Tucson and I are parting ways, like she always does Tucson has decided to put up a good fight to keep me here. I have a great new job with the U of A, the aforementioned girl above goes to the U of A; worst of all hell's doppelganger has decided to change the status quo and bring about rain. It never rains in Tucson, and yet for six days its been a been a beautiful blur between bright sunny day and soft cool rainy night. The rivers actually have water in them. Of course it would be very conceited of me to believe all this has been done for me, but then again I have noticed the way Tucson has always had its eye on me. While all of this is not enough to get me to stay, its got me starting to question if I've made the right decision.
I'm lost, I really am. While I have the time I'd like to wish a very good friend of mine a happy birthday, Hope, happy b-day from the entire Alan Show family. How old are you now? Twenty two? Three? Well I hope you get all that you ask for.
I think my digression is a sign that maybe in all the bitching I've done, I've lost some steam. I am going to leave you with one thing, things aren't all bad, there is a lot of good, but sometimes, missing that one thing that you truly want can trump everything you have. It infects you, suddenly the other things you love aren't good enough anymore. Suddenly all the people you cared about aren't worth your time, and at the end of it all you're stuck in a spiral of trying to get what you never even had, answers. I've been down that road once and I'll try to avoid it again, but I still can't help but wonder. My mystery girl, if you're reading this...
I feel so lost right now, even my Magic BestBuy Ball doesn't wanna tell me what to do. It feels like when one question gets answered, twelve more pop. Russel Rios called it Vietnam syndrome, not because it's like PTSD, but because it feels like shit keeps coming my way. Lets break these elements down:
My Love life: So there is this girl who I am crazy about, she's a nerd, she's funny, she likes my shows, she likes my movies, she is the cooliest. I would love to ask her out, but she is dating a douche. Her boyfriend is an absolute douche. Believe me, I don't say this because I'm jealous; gun to my head, I think he is a waste of space. What she sees in him is beyond me. Anywho, she and he always seem like an ironclad combo whenever I have an opportunity to strike. What is even more frustration is the fact that when things aren't going well between the two love birds I'm a million miles away (not always literally). It just doesn't make sense to me. I try and not think about it, and yet something always draws me to it. Maybe its a defense mechanism, maybe I'm just afraid of acting so I just let things get in the way. Maybe I'm just making excuses. Questions, questions, and more questions come from one.
To add to this, my ex all of sudden decides that she wants to “randomly” call my best friend and converse about the past, the present and the future. Why? Here's how it works, it's like she and I got divorced, she got all my Amphi friends and I got Alexander. I'm sorry, but we had an agreement, at least I thought we did. What causes me to falter isn't the fact that she's calling him (it just annoys me, protocol is there for a reason damn it), no, its the fact that she hates Alexander. For lack of a better term, Alexander was my double agent. After we broke up whenever I needed to know anything about her, I would ask him to go in. He would go, befriend her, and find whatever I needed to know. I wasn't proud of it, well I was a little proud, but that's the way it always went down. Miss *Censored by the annoying people against facts, also known as my ex girlfriend and her friends, this message was paid for by the Alan is an asshole committee* knows to 100% certainty whatever is said to Alexander is tape recorder and played back for me, literally. A part of me thinks she always knew that too, she just decided to tell me stuff through him because she's to proud to say it directly to me. There is a back story to the literal comment, but I wont venture forward. Why call? What is there to say but fuck you, how dare you judge me, so on and so forth? What plagues me is what always plagues me, her motivation. I know that even if I knew the answer to the question I have no more than I started with, but it still lingers on, why?
Where I'll be: I am really resolute about going up to ASU, I've even started to develop a level of school pride. My phone has ASU as the background, I have a bunch of dark orange T-shirts on order, so much so that I've often been asked if I'm the secret new Orange Power Ranger. Power Rangers hoooaaa! As strongly as I hold onto the ideal that Tucson and I are parting ways, like she always does Tucson has decided to put up a good fight to keep me here. I have a great new job with the U of A, the aforementioned girl above goes to the U of A; worst of all hell's doppelganger has decided to change the status quo and bring about rain. It never rains in Tucson, and yet for six days its been a been a beautiful blur between bright sunny day and soft cool rainy night. The rivers actually have water in them. Of course it would be very conceited of me to believe all this has been done for me, but then again I have noticed the way Tucson has always had its eye on me. While all of this is not enough to get me to stay, its got me starting to question if I've made the right decision.
I'm lost, I really am. While I have the time I'd like to wish a very good friend of mine a happy birthday, Hope, happy b-day from the entire Alan Show family. How old are you now? Twenty two? Three? Well I hope you get all that you ask for.
I think my digression is a sign that maybe in all the bitching I've done, I've lost some steam. I am going to leave you with one thing, things aren't all bad, there is a lot of good, but sometimes, missing that one thing that you truly want can trump everything you have. It infects you, suddenly the other things you love aren't good enough anymore. Suddenly all the people you cared about aren't worth your time, and at the end of it all you're stuck in a spiral of trying to get what you never even had, answers. I've been down that road once and I'll try to avoid it again, but I still can't help but wonder. My mystery girl, if you're reading this...
posted by The Alan Show at 8:52 PM
1 Comments:
This is one of your best blogs yet. Keep 'em comin'!
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