My Final Hour

Note: after reading this, I think my blog gives an aura of sadness or dissappointment, it's quite the opposite. I am happy, just more aware. The reason the song is Creed's My Own Prison is because of the realization of how my actions are my own.

I wanted to write a happy blog, I wanted to write an angry blog, I wanted to write an enlightening blog, this blog is none of those things. This blog is what it is, a blog.

This will be my last blog on Myspace, it may even be my last blog, probably not, but who knows. This is where it all started. I started to write here, I started my journey of both internal and external discovery. In the time that has passed a lot has changed, but at the same time, some things have stayed the same.

Sylvia is still a whore, that will always be the same, and I hope it never changes. One thing that has not changed is something that eats me up inside. When faced with a decision we all rely on this part of our brain, this part that slows down time, it can even reverse and speed up time, it's a part of everyone. It's our sense of right and wrong.

This component of the human condition is the most powerful thing in the entire world, even more powerful than God. Whether you are a person of faith (like me) or a person who doesn't believe there is one thing we all agree on: free will. We all have it, no matter where, no matter how, no matter why, we all have it. Even a person of faith will tell you that the impact of God is limited to the afterlife, while God may not approve of your actions you will not bear the consequences until you die. You are your own destiny.

There are those out there who believe that the set of circumstances can also define the actions of a person therefore free will is not completely "100%" free. This is not true. Imagine we invent a machine, this machine generates a world. Let's say we can control every single element of this world, and make it so that whoever experiences this world views the exact same world. Assuming this magic machine could exist, would every single person who steps into this machine-world act and feel the same way? Is there any world that such a world, such a set of circumstances could evoke the same emotion, thought process and reaction between every single participant? The reason I ask such a question is to try and refute or defend why we make the decisions we do. Ultimately, there is no set of circumstances that cause a "universal" reaction, and so every person who steps into the machine will act differently, every person will react in their own fashion, and every person ultimately does what he/she wants to. This is the world we live in, good, bad, right or wrong are just subjective terms. Ultimately we all do what we want to, no matter the circumstance.

So what does this mean? It means that we truly have without a doubt "100%" free will because there cannot exist one moment in time where we are forced to do not what we want to do. I started to think and look back, every thing I complain about, everything that burdens me was at one point in time something I wanted.

i. I wanted to work at BestBuy for my entire life; I wanted to lose myself in a sea of blue.

ii. I wanted to date a younger girl, she happened to be 16 and an alcoholic and a smoker, but it was my choice to date her.

iii. I wanted to obsess over Isabel, I wanted to become enmeshed with her, I wanted to win her back, I wanted to make her miserable, I wanted to make her go away.

So on and so forth. Looking back at every bad decision I have ever made, at one point in time it was within my bounds not to make that decision! It gets worse. See, what guides us when we decide? Looking past the immediate wants, something also sticks and guides us in the decision making process. What persists through is our moral code, our ethics, our sense of right and wrong. For arguments sake let's call this part the soul, I don't mean to say the soul of religious context rather I mean the soul of a Platonic sense. The soul is used to gauge the level of right/wrong or good/bad relativistic terms. Then, in combination with what it reports the want is factored in and a decision is made. Sometimes the soul leaves us with no answer and we are guided purely by our wants, but the want never leaves us (what is true one way is not true the other). Looking back on every single "bad" decision I've made, I've come to the startling decision that not only every bad decision I've made was my choice but that every bad decision I made I knew was a bad decision to begin with. Without going into great detail, let's comb over what I spoke of earlier:

i. As much as I wanted to work for BestBuy I knew from the people around me the first thing to go would be school, I knew it would consume all of my energy, I knew all the risks, I decided to go purely based on want.

ii. With respect to the younger girl, I knew something about her wasn't right, a 16 year old who pulls 40 hours a week at BestBuy and doesn't go to school, I knew it was suspect to begin with.

iii. While I never wanted Isabel to cheat on me, and I could never have predicted that it would happen, I knew that our relationship wasn't healthy. I knew by our senior year of high school that we wouldn't have clean breakup, no matter the course. I knew that we weren't meant to be, I wanted to stay, and that was the only reason I did.

Looking back, every decision was guided by my own want alone! My "soul" told me to go in the other direction, my friends told me go in the other direction, everything said go the other way, and yet I still did what I did. What kills me is that this part of me hasn't changed. I'm still that way. I get and do everything I want and still have the audacity to complain that it's not right, it's not fair, and it's not what I want! What bothers me is that I know what is right and wrong, and yet I still choose wrong. I wish it was that I had no soul, no guidance and I was purely acting on want alone. At that point in time, every bad thing to happen could be blamed on ignorance. I can't even classify the bad things that happen as mistakes. A mistake implies you had no idea of what would/ could of happened and what happened was totally unexpected. What I experience are not "mistakes", they are fits of insanity. I know what's going to happen, I know it's not good, and yet I act unaccordingly. That is insane. At this point in time, all I can do is hope that I start listening to myself, otherwise, all hope will be lost.

My First Week

Coming into my internship I half heartedly expected that I would toil over being called girls names, given nothing but grunt work, all the while pushing gomers around and not accomplishing much of anything. Other than the "occasional" name calling and teasing from Christine, my first week has been nothing near what I expected. (For those that don't know, I was in fact making a Scrubs reference) My first week has been an exciting week, I think the hardest thing to really get used to thus far has been the time shift. I am not a morning person, I am not and will not ever be completely acclimated at consciousness before noon. Give me a job between the hours of noon and 5 AM and I'm on the ball, but anytime outside those hours and we may have a problem. All in all I love the lab I am working in. I'm constantly surrounded by tech nerds, old computers, electronic parts, lasers, chemicals, and anything else a nerd's perspective of heaven could entail. Truth be told, the nerd half of me is filled to my heart's content.

However, there is another half of me that is not completely appeased. In getting used to new hours I also have not gotten used to fitting time in for my workout schedule. I've always been a stickler about balancing mind and body but recently I just haven't fulfilled the other half of my commitments.

My Projects thus far:

Labview:
LabView is very very weird. It's basically GUI based programming, no code, only GUI. It seems like the bounds are infinite with it, and in combination with a C background a person could be unstoppable. I personally am not the biggest fan of this piece of ... software... and I am having a hard time adjusting from the serenity of HTML and Java Programming. I understand the possibilities and implications of learning this language, it's just learning it doesn't get any easier, even with motivation. As much trouble as LabView has given me, I understand that it's normal and that LabView's learning curve is rather steep. I look around me and my fellow NSFers seem to have as much if not more trouble than I.

Outside of programming in LabView the overall experience of the Denton Lab has been a positive one. The thing I like the most about the people around me is that fact we all seem to work well together. It seems like we all have a lot in common and can go from working on projects together to just hanging out and eating pizza.

I think this aspect of the program is what perplexes me the most. To most of the world there are two Alan's:
Socialable relaxed Alan
Uber Tech Nerd Alan

I know, I know, I'm splitting hairs here, but there is a difference. The people I talk to about computers and hacking and stuff of that sort I rarely ever go to about philosophy, life and just general interests. The reverse is true as well. Take the Twirlers for instance, they are really nice cool people, but I'm not about to sit down and bore them to death about how I was able to use a parsing tool for my website so I could power it by XML Feed via Blogger! At the same token, I'm not about to go to my tech friends and ask them about how to handle this girl I like, or about the war, or about the Houston Rockets. All in all there are two separate worlds I associate with, and between them I am one of the few if not only bridges. NSF has completely flipped that around on me. I feel like the people in the program can go between those two extremes with ease. Maybe I only see what I want to see and no one really understands me at all. Who knows? Ehh, Reality is perception so on and so forth, and thus far I have had a good perception of things.

The One, The Only, The Alan Show

My Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I was at the red jumpsuit concert and I saw Sylvia (who is still a whore) and I pondered the fact that it has been a very long time since I last blogged.

My cousin left me a comment on my mySpace about how I need to blog, and so here I am, and I will take the opportunity to give everybody a status report.

Since I can’t just attack all points at once, I’ll divide and conquer, first and foremost:

My School: things are great with school. I hate my Western Civilizations class, it feels like my professor is more interested in knowing if I know how to write an essay than me actually knowing what went on, blah blah blah, but oh well.

I love modern physics. For those of you that don’t know, everything you know about physics is wrong, dead wrong. It’s weird to walk into class one day and learn that everything you spent the last four years of life on is wrong. It’s great. I think I get my mind blown every single day. Before, certain things weren’t really touchable because I didn’t have the math, or, the physics is just too hard to contemplate, or not worth it, now, it’s all new again. It rocks being able to look at things going the speed of light, pondering if what we see is what someone else sees, if time is the same, how it can bent, how it can appear to move faster or slower; its all just mind blowing. Anyone who knows anything about physics must take this course.

Biology is my mistress to physics. I feel like such a nerd. I love plant biology. I feel like biology is the polar opposite of physics, everything is just so mysterious, illogical, crazy and frenzied. I love it. School is just so freaking awesome!

My friends: are being really weird. Most of them are cool, it’s just some are… odd. I feel like a small few are going against their word, their hearts, themselves. The hardest thing to watch is person who is fighting himself/herself. I often don’t know what side to take in these fights, because either way you’re screwed. Like, I have this one friend who is conflicted about this girl. She cheated on him, and he doesn’t know whether or not to take her back. He’s so conflicted with her that his head is deeply lodged up his ass. Do I attack his girl? Do I defend a cheater? If they get back together and I told him to stay away then I’m the first to go. If they don’t get back together and he relapses I’m the first to blame. In these situations I take comfort in the words of Elliot from Scrubs “At least I know I can sleep at night”. That’s what it has boiled down to for me, I do what I need to sleep at night. I end up saying what benefits me best, which is really selfish, but ultimately it’s all I can do. Most of my friends are still cool, it’s just some…

My Work: Not having a job rocks! I mean don’t get me wrong, I still work for the girls, but I barely classify it as that. It’s better than selling computers. I love going to the games, and I have started to root for the U of A! Well, at least the women’s team. Damn, that USC game was awesome. I think above all it’s because of the girls that I’ve started to get acclimated with the idea of me coming back to the U of A. At first I was against it, I’m not so much against it now.

My Love Life: Ha! I want to clear something up for everyone: I am not gay. There have been rumors afloat because of my facebook and how I am engaged to Jonathan Liu means I am gay. I’m not. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, its just not for me. Sorry to disappoint all those out there.

There is a girl I am kind of interested in. She doesn’t know I exist. She is your typical Sara plain and tall. She is really nice and smart, but truth be told I don’t know much about her. It’s because of that I feel completely uncomfortable about asking her out. I mean, what do I say, “Hey, you seem really cool but I don’t know anything about you, I’d like to know more. We should go out sometime”? I just feel like a tool saying that. Plus, I don’t know how interested in me she is. Every time I try to initiate conversation it seems like we don’t have that great of a give and take, but to be honest, she makes me so nervous I don’t think I really can think. Who knows?

This doesn’t get me down. What does is the fact that it bothers others. I feel like love is just so damn over dramatized. To play off what Matt Hardy said I wanna address a sentiment that everyone holds: love is all you need.

This is just wrong. Love is great, but it’s just a cheap derivative of what’s really important, happiness. See, the best analogy I can draw is in carbohydrates. See, there are two forms of carbs, simple and complex. Simple carbohydrates come from sugar, instant gratification. Simple carbs are short chains of glucose and/or fructose and don’t really help power you through the day. Complex carbs are long, long chains of thousands of sugars, usually found in bread and your starches. Now, a cross country runner will eat lots and lots of complex carbs the night before a race because it gives him far more energy than the simple ones will.

Love is like simple carbohydrates, love is like a Snickers bar. When you’re drinking Dr. Pepper, nothing’s better than eating a Snickers afterward/during. I wouldn’t dare try living off of Snickers and Dr. Pepper, it’d be great for a short while, but it would eventually catch up with me. Happiness, happiness is like bread, pasta and everything of the sort. Happiness’s effects aren’t instant, but they have a much healthier, longer lasting impression. Happiness is much more powerful than love.

One of my friends has something posted, a quote, something along the lines of “love isn’t finding the person you can live with; it’s who you can’t live without”. Double negatives aside, I think this sentiment is wrong. Many of you out there totally agree with it thought, therein lies the conflict. I was once one of you! I hate to tell you this, for a healthy person, there is no one in the entire world who you can’t live without. If everyone in the entire world died, except for you, you would still wake up in the morning. If you tried to kill yourself, hold your breath until you turn blue, what would happen? You’d pass out and start breathing again! Ha! You can’t even kill yourself without outside intervention! There is only one person you can’t live without: yourself!

When love becomes something that you depend on, when love is something that you wake up for, when it is the reason you are, it’s like saying all I eat is Skittles and Snickers bars. It won’t last long. See, we’re taught by TV, Shakespeare, movies, dreams, all that stuff, that love is the answer to all. I’m sorry, but we’re all wrong, it’s happiness. Ask any psychologist, any psychiatrist, any six year old, that kind of love isn’t love, it’s codependency.

I think the most important thing for everyone to do is to find out if they’re happy. I’ve got a simple quiz you all can take to find out if you are: Finish this sentence, I’m happiest when I’m (blank). Write a list of all the things that make you happy. If you have a partner, rule out any answers involving them. If an answer is filled with debauchery or gluttonous (usually over consumption of alcohol or food), rule it out. See how many answers you have.

These are a few of mine:

• Watching Scrubs
• Running
• In physics
• In bio
• With the twirlers
• Watching the U of A lose to USC, classic. LOL (it doesn’t happen very often)
• Watching Duke win
• Watching the Houston Rockets play
• Sitting in my car, the radio is as loud as possible, the windows are rolled down, 92.9 is on the dial (and something acoustic is playing), and I’m singing along to every song in the midst of traffic.

I could go on and on. See, happiness can even outnumber love. The amount of time these events consume versus the dividends they bear is ridiculous. Love can put a smile on you face, but unless you are truly happy, it won’t stay on.

What does all this mean? Girls: no guy will be your knight in shining armor; you have to be happy to begin with. If you are married to the man of your dreams, but your job sucks, you hate the way you look, and you aren’t happy, it won’t work out. Guys: no girl can make you happy and no girl can make you better. You become a better person because you want to; you become happy because you are satisfied with school, with work, with life. Even if you aren’t completely satisfied, you can be happy in knowing you’re going in the right direction. That’s what’s important!

I think I’m starting to beat a horse, so I’m going to tie all this back together, it’s because of all these reasons, I’m not too worried about the fact that I’m not in a relationship. Relationships are great, girls are great, being in love is great, but it will never ever again be the reason I wake up in the morning. I will never wake up for another person, I will wake in the morning because life is great, because I’m happy (well, when I have kids, I guess it’s ok if I wake up in the morning for them).

Now, I don’t want an influx of calls, emails, and messages if you don’t agree with this; and don’t think I am attacking those (or the person) who believes love is finding a person you can’t live without. I’m just stating my opinion, I could in fact be wrong, I have been before, but I don’t think I am now. Rather, I would love to see your responses to my happiness quiz. I don’t write down what I’m thinking and feeling to brag, or anything along those lines, I write because I truly hope my ramblings make sense to you, and you can draw something from it. I write because I want things to be ok, for everyone, I want everyone to be happy. All you out there, comment on what makes you happy, heck, you may end up giving someone an idea and spread your happy, and that makes me happy.

My Top Show Countdown

15. Raw: Oh how the mighty have fallen. I remember a time when I used to never miss an episode. What happened? In the midst of Kurt Angle leaving for TNA, Lita and Edge being the frontline heels of RAW, and DX reforming, RAW lost its luster. Watch out RAW, other shows are nipping at your heels. I am excited about what’s to come, but will it be enough?

14. Smallville: I am only watching this show because of Superman Returns. It’s kinda like Star Wars Episode 3. We all saw Episode’s 4 and 2, but how do they connect? What makes Darth Vader, Darth Vader? How does Padmae die? All these questions are what made Episode 3 so amazing. It all came together. This is why I watch Smallville. Smallville Clark Kent is outgoing, strong, fierce, and above all mighty. Superman Returns Clark was anything but. Superman Returns Clark was humble, nerdy, and passive. I want to know what humbles Clark. This is why I still watch, in spite of the crappy storyline, horrible acting, and shitty character relationships. Who knows, it may improve? Right?!

13. Standoff: I was very very optimistic about this show after the pilot. I fucking hate baseball. It’s because of baseball that this show was put on hold, and episodes aired on FX at the weirdest times. Why? More to come on this show, it has the makings of a good show.

12. ALL of ESPN: I’ve lumped all of ESPN into the category of one show. I love me the ESPN and as of late the programming has been interesting, that and the NBA is back. I find myself putting it on ESPN more and more. I realistically can’t gauge ESPN’s improvements until the NBA season ends, no complaints about that though.

11. ‘Till Death/Happy Hour: yet another victim of fagball. Why MLB, why? Both shows wowed me with their pilots, both shows seem funny and the characters seem interesting. I hope these two shows stay on a little longer. I can’t choose which is better, so it’s a tie.

10. House: essentially if Dr. Cox was unmarried and had a cankerous limp, he would be House. This is what makes House interesting. I love the obscure cases, the roller coaster ride that is the plot, and the cane, you gotta love the cane. Lately it seems like House is losing momentum and the storyline is a tad bit boring, but things will pick up. I know it to be so.

9. The Daily Show/Colbert Report: I watch these two shows everyday, especially since the elections. I wish the Daily Show had a 24 hour feed, they should take it to the prime time.

8. The Simpsons: this season will be epic, and missing it would be a sin. I love The Simpsons, I think anyone who likes family guy, futurama, and any animated show much the same owes the Simpsons major credit. I love the Simpsons mainly because it is funny, witty, smart, stupid, all wihtout being vulgar or distgusting. Family Guy sucks balls (now).

7. Nip/Tuck: I was excited about this season of Nip/Tuck, now I'm not so sure. The episodes have been entriguing, but the latest trailer makes me believe this may be the begining of the end of Nip/Tuck. I just don't see myself staying on to see the rest of the season. They have a chance at the title this year (Alan's Best Show on TV besides The Alan Show).

6. Numb3rs: A show about a nerd who uses math to solve murders, who knew I'd like it, right? Well, I love it. I am addicted to it. I catch it on ONDEMAND whenever possible. Because it follows the pattern of crime drama, I am not that obsessed with it, yet. Yet another title contender here.

5. Scrubs: Woah, no one saw this one coming. Me not give Scrubs the number one slot? Why? This is because, unlike normal shows, Scrub's season six hasn't started yet. I think it's more than fair to place Scrubs at number 5, for a season that hasn't even started yet. Fucking NBC. Why do they love to see Scrubs fail, why do they love to see me suffer. Scrubs is defending their title this year, and they will put on the best title defense ever. This will be epic.

4. South Park: speaking of epic, the tenth season of South Park has been putting on a clinic. This has been the funniest season of South Park, and Matt and Trey definitely have the title in sight. They have crossed every line, invalidated every religion, and made fun of every race. Doing it again, all in one season should be interesting.

3. Gilmore Girls: I have no fucking clue why I still watch this show, let alone why I am so addicted to it. I have to watch. "Mothers and daughters, they speak so fast, but speak so true" (Turk from Scrubs on Gilmore Girls). The story has been lacking, the dialogue has been almost non-existant, and the characters have not been themselves. Why do I still watch? I hope it picks up back to where it was. I am not one of those fans who thinks Lorelai and Luke have to end up together, I just want good banter between Lorelai and Rory. I miss that, I really do. Maybe thats why I still watch.

2. Heroes: 18 hours ago this show wouldn't even be on the list. I didn't even know what it is then, I know even less now. It is a very strange show. I can't stop watching it. I saw the entire first seven episodes last night, twice, and I can't stop watching. There is only one show that is better, but I really feel like this show is a must see, for all.

1. Jericho (Alan’s working title, “The Jericho): this is the greatest show on TV right now. You have to accept a lot to watch it, but if you do accept that we are in a post-apocolyptic world, it is amazing. I feel like Heroes centers around the story greatly, and the characters are not as important. Jericho is the opposite, I'm more interested in seeing what sides Jake and Hawkin's are on, who's a good guy, who's a bad guy, will those two kids hook up, so many questions. Heroes makes you how the world ends, Jericho makes you question who makes the world end and how to cope with it all. Best SHOW ON TV THIS WEEK.

All these shows are interesting and fun to watch, but only one can take the title. Check back next week to see the new rankings.

The Alan Show

Please, Please, Please Just Shut Up!

I used to be able to distinguish between it all, the sounds, they weren’t sounds. I could actually understand what was being said, what was being done. Now it all sounds like noise.

I just wish, just for five seconds, the whole world would just shut up. I really can’t take it anymore. It’s like every person has something to say, something to scream, something so important we should all just stop and listen. I don’t want to listen anymore, I’m done.

I’ve had a tough day. It just feels like all day I’ve been trying to listen, trying to comprehend all those around me, and I can’t. Today just feels like a song, like a really loud song. I can hear the music in the background, I can hear the singers harmonizing, but I can’t understand a single lyric. Did she say “I just wanna fly” or “I fucked the sky” or what? I don’t know.

I was sitting with my family, actually acting like a family unit, and we were engaged in watching the tele. Michael J. Fox is on CNN talking about stem cells and his Parkinson’s, and it just eventually became a blur to me. What once made sense, a day, now seemed to be anything but normal, a dream if you will.

The day, me flying across town in search of a camera, Shirlee flipping out on me and my family, the girls, Alexander, it all became a blur. It made sense when I woke up, it made sense when I was in it, why doesn't it not now? This disturbed me.

I just feel like we’re all moving so fast. When we move that way, we question little, accept a lot, and keep on trucking. It's when we slow down, even stop here and there, that the image starts to seem unreal, it starts to feel like it shouldn’t be what it is. That’s where I am.

Everywhere I go, I hear people talking about moving forward, moving backward, just moving. When I was moving with them, it sounded right, it sounded like it made sense, now, it’s just gibberish. The $64,000.00 question I have is why are we always moving? To follow that one up: Where the fuck is it we’re going?

The best way I can explain it is through example. Let’s say you’re on a road trip, and you’re going down a stretch of highway at like 95 mph. The speed limit is 75. Everyone around you is also going 95 mph, so it doesn’t feel weird in any way. You’re driving by yourself and you gaze to your left and right, you try and look at the highway billboards, and there are tons of ‘um, passing you by every second but they just look like a blur. This is fine, because you can’t pay much attention to them ‘cause you’re going 95 freaking mph! You start to get a little hungry, and you don’t know where a food place is. You try and look at the billboards, but they’re still blurry, wtf? You start to get really hungry, so you pull to the right lanes and start to slow down. The signs are still blurry. This is frustrating, you need answers, and all you get is blurred colours. You slow down so much so that you decide its best to just pull over, maybe the white line fever has hit you harder than you expected. Just your luck, you’re parked right under a billboard, you decide to end this insanity once and for all. You climb the ladder, you reach the top, and what do you see? A white billboard. Nothing is written, no colours, not a damn thing. That’s how I feel.

So many people are telling us to look ahead, the democrats are trying to this, the republicans are trying to do that, social security this, Medicare that. We’re moving so fast, we can only look forward, it’s the safest thing to do. We listen to every single voice, keep moving, and just try and do what they tell us to do. We’re so focused on where we’re going, we don’t even know where we are.

I just want to stop, and appreciate the white billboard, even though I don’t understand it. I can’t. I’ll get a parking ticket, prosecuted for trespassing, so on and so forth.

So many people talk about making things better. When things are good, all I hear is how they can be better. When things are shitty, all I hear is everything will be alright in the end. Why is it that way? Why can’t we be happy things are the way they are? Why am I always facing forward?

Sorry if i seem to ramble, or don't make any sense, eventually I'll get back on the road.

Hit Me! Winner, 21!

So I’m turning 21 in a couple of hours, what do I do to celebrate? Blog, how fun!

I figured since I’m turning 21, there are 21 people out there that need to be recognized, scrutinized, analyzed, fallacized, and such. I also would like to take the time to go ahead and make some new life resolutions. Who knows what could happen?

1. Sharon: How ya been? So, my birthday is in like 7 hours and what do I do? I download ALL SEVEN of Eddie Izzard’s shows. I know, I know, I’m cool like that. See, this is more of a test to see if you even read my blogs. Do you? Happy Birthday. (I really did download the shows, if you want them, they’re yours)

2. Jeff: This has been a weird, long, crazy year. There have been ups and downs, lefts and rights, but through it all its been mostly good. I’m freaked out I have more dreams that involve events in your life, but I guess maybe my life is to boring to dream about. Thanks for being my homie.

3. Hope: I really miss you. I really hope all is well, I think Grissom misses the puppy.

4. Isabel: I’m glad things are finally stable between us, we aren’t talking, but it’s not volatile. This is a first, we either love each other or hate each other. It’s kinda nice we’re in the in between. Thanks for the advice, believe it or not, it really helped out. Happy Birthday to you!

5. Alexander: it really seems like we’re on different wave lengths as of late. When I’m busy your free, and vice versa. When things calm down, we should totally hang, who knows, this might be the last semester I’m down here!

6. The Twirlers: I miss you guys. It’s sad, I find myself singing Bear Down every Saturday night, why?! How can you instill a level of school spirit in me (mind you, I’ve never really been to keen on the U of A, something about it being the worst two years of my life) and then disappear? It’s like a drug, and now I’m hooked. I won’t see you guys on the 21^st (I’ll be lecturing on Optics in Willowcreek, I know, I’m a nerd), but I will still miss you guys.

7. Liz: I wanna know if you actually read my blogs too. Also! I’d like to know when you want to film Aerials Gone Wild? Totally hit me up.

8. Sarah: I’m really glad you came out to visit. I’m having fun, the irony is, you’ll probably not see this until you leave, if even then.

9. Tommy: I promise you I will look for your Zelda game. I’ve been out of it lately when it comes to video games, but I think finishing Max Payne 2 has given me a second wind. I am excited, pumped, and I wanna play FEAR. I’ll be back to the video games universe, I promise.

10. (11. 12. 13.) Heidi, Moriah and Sharayah (and Isabel, again): you four are the proof of the rule that Alan just doesn’t get along with his ex-girlfriends. Why is that? I mean, Moriah and I only dated for like 4 hours, but still, we are totally not talking right now. Ironically, Heidi is the closest ex that I have that I can engage in conversation with, even then its light as hell. I think part of my resolutions should be to find out why I don’t break up well. I’d be lying if I said you four weren’t on my mind lately.

14. Madison: I totally have not made time to hang out with you lately, I haven’t gone to church, and I’ve been ditching you. I’m sorry. We should hang sometime soon.

15. Vicky: Just like Madison, we need to hang, I wanna catch up, I wanna find out how things are, how’s the boy, how’s school, is Brendan really gay? So on, and so forth. Totally hit me up as well, do you know my new number?

16. J. Liu: It has been a long time brother man. You among most, make me feel like I have neglected my friends completely. I am a bad friend. If you wanna do something completely awesome this summer (ie. A road trip) I’m game.

17. Miss Tiffany Kincade: My twin, my other half, my bestest friend ever. How has it been that long since we last talked. Let me say one thing, I’m really sorry. In between the crazy ex-girlfriends and the agony of college we’ve lost touch. This is a last stand. I want all to be well between us, I miss you the most out of everyone here. For our 21^st b-day, your gift will be whatever you want (that I can do, of course). I’ll even venture all the way out there to see you.

18. Nicole: I want to thank you for your parties, they are always awesome, and I have a hell of a time I’m there whenever I go.

19. Lacy: How’s Chile?

20. Auna: where are you? We were supposed to be bestest friends ever? I hope all is well with you.

21. Alan: You are a great guy. You beat up on yourself way to much. It kinda bothers me. Look, I know the girl situation isn’t the greatest, but after writing this long list, you of all people should see that you’re loved. You have a lot of people close to you, and people who you need to keep close to you. Don’t lose those around you because you are too busy feeling bummed for yourself. Don’t lose those that are close to you. Here’s some ways to keep happy

a. Keep your friends close

b. Read more

c. Criticize yourself less

d. Don’t worry about what others say/feel about you.

e. Have fun

f. Don’t drink to much

g. Be happy, be well

Thank you all.

PS Why are there so many women on my list?

To My Mystery Girl

Sometimes I forget to be happy. It turns out, most people suffer from this, in this world of 24 hour news stations making us all feel like crap and politicians who just can’t keep it in their pants, it’s rather easy to lose your happy. In the past week I’ve been consumed by, you guessed it, non other than a lady. We spent an amazing night together and ever since I can’t get her out of my head. “It's weird realizing that you missed someone you barely know” (Scrubs Season Two, Episode 18, I think). Unfortunately, like JD and TCW (Tasty Comma Wife) our timing just isn’t right right now. I let this get to me. In the past week I’ve been moody, sad, angry and practically everything but happy. I would go in and out of fighting how I felt and feeling sad about feeling the way I did and hating myself for it. I fell back into my head. It’s not enough to know how to be happy, I have to take active steps in doing so. Forgetting this is easy, freaking easy, its kinda like brushing your teeth. The process is just an annoying 5 minute task to be done daily, every little bit counts and adds to something greater. The counter-logic is also true, case in point: it could be a late night one night and you just don’t feel like brushing your teeth, well sooner or later one night turns into a week and your mouth just feels grimy. Imagine if you forgot to brush your teeth for years! That’s depression. Every little bit counts, we all forget that, I forget that! The entire time I was bummed I forgot the little things that make life great. For instance: I got the highest score in the class on every mid term I had. I got a 98 in philosophy, a 47 in physics, and a perfect score in BIO. Did I appreciate this? NO! I got lost in my own sadness. It turns out depression is the kind of disease that feeds on itself, the sadder you are, the sadder you get, and like quicksand it’s almost impossible to pull out of unassisted. It infects those around you, feeds off of those who are depressed with you, for you, and about you.

“An idle mind is the devil’s workshop”

Yes, I didn’t quote Scrubs this time, woo-hoo! FOCUS! It’s easy to get lost in your own thoughts, especially sad ones. I know I promised myself and all the great fans of The Alan Show that I’d stay out of my head, this is just a little work I need to do to make sure of it.

To My Mystery Girl: I know that we may never be, and that so much is against this actually working, but I think for me, I need to just enjoy this crush a little bit longer. I know the things I say sound crazy and may even scare you, just remember, they scare me too. I do care about you, I don’t know why, I don’t know where it comes from, I just do, know that. I don’t want to feel the way I do about you, but the “heart wants what it wants”. I’m done, I am not fighting my heart, or any other part of myself anymore. I suggest you do the same! GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD! Maybe I’m wrong, but I think what’s best for both of us is to just go out and experience life with no expectations, do crazy, random, insane shit. Don’t do them because you want to have fun or feel something new, do them just to do them. No expectations! So much of life is spent planning and living the plan. The best plan for all of us is to be happy, spread happy, live happy and love happy. It all falls back on the four tenants of life:

· Live

· Love

· Laugh

· Honor Your Commitments

ANYONE out there, and I do mean anyone, if you can’t find your happy, come to me, I’ve got plenty to spare.