So You Wanna Be a Rockstar?

That is really fucked up. I did it to Nicole, man I am an asshole.

I know I said I would write my next column about India, but right now I just feel like talking….

So apparently people like it when I rip on Sylvia, even people who don’t even know her, good times.

I am slipping away, all those that know me now really will start to be confused, as well as they should be. See, I’ve realized, I’ve been in a coma for a while, bare naked ladies, futbol, science, physics, wallflowers and SNL celebrity jeopardy have all become a thing of the past. All the things I once loved I had sacrificed, sacrificed for work, for school, for her, for them, everything that once was me is now not. This is going to change. I once was an arrogant bastard, sure of everything, and like a cat, always landed on my feet. I was the kid who got an F in AP English only to get it overridden by an AP score of 3. I told Miss Jacome that she was wrong. I know I deserved an A and damn well sure I got it, even if she wasn’t the one to give it to me.

It took a lot to call her a whore, I mean, its not like it’s easy to just come on here and type and type, leaving yourself vulnerable and weak, attacking at will and leaving all defenses behind. Not just anyone can do what I do, it took balls, it took courage, it took gusto. Sylvia is a whore.

USA Soccer: Bruce Arena is a douche. So the US has one (1) point and they need to score at least three (3) goals to make up the goal differential to make it to the second round. If Italy beats Czech Republic the goal differential is meaningless. To insinuate that Italy can beat the Czech’s is to insinuate that Italy can in fact beat the number two (2) country in the world, second only to Brazil! The US cannot operate under this assumption, they must score goals. In a goal crunch what does Mr. Arena do? He puts only one (1), yes, one (1) striker. He loads the midfield with guys against a Ghanarian team that can outrun the US on any given day. See, for those of you that don’t watch soccer, loading the midfield is stupid if you’re playing against a fast team that scores inside goals. The best parallel I can draw would be like if you were playing Shaq’s team the Miami Heat and loaded the perimeter with defense but left Shaq open down low, sounds stupid right? These guys are black, black people can run. The fastest man in the world, black, 90% of the NBA, black, black people are just fast. Look, if there’s a wall blocking the goal I’ll call a Mexican, but there’s not, it’s just a bunch of slow white guys. Now you might be saying, “Alan, the guy who scored the goal for the US was white, and he did a damn good job”. This is all well and true but lets take a deeper look: Demarcus Beasley was the one who provided the assist, black, he was the one who ran the ball at the keeper, black, he was the one who stole the ball back in the first place, black, and passed the ball into free space for the goal opportunity, black. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying white guys can’t play sports, especially soccer, its just they do different things than black guys. The white guy in basketball always stands on the outside for a three pointer. The best three point shooters are usually white, and believe it or not, even woman can make three pointers. The concept strikes through into soccer. The movie that everyone references without actually seeing is called Bend it like Beckham –side note, I don’t blame anyone for not actually seeing it; I heard it stank like curry **rim shot**. They didn’t call the movie, Bend it Like Ishmael, or Bend it like *Click Click Click* or even Bend it like Jun Tao, it was called Bend it like Beckham because white guys are really damn good at the outside shot. Hey, black people can dunk and dance, don’t we get something? Play your strengths for Pete’s sake.

Windows Vista: I hate it, it royally sucks. It’s like Microsoft is like: “Why should we even try anymore? Our leader is leaving, why care?” Vista is a piece of shit. If you’re an idiot, you’ll love it; it is to user intuitive, it is to user friendly. Example:

Old Windows: Windows has encountered an error, error
code 000fc0858.

Windows Vista: Windows had a boo boo, you can kiss it
and make it better by restarting the computer. Windows still loves you, and wants you to read it a bed time story.

I don’t want to know what Windows thinks is wrong with it, talk to me in code, I want page fault in non page area, not windows had an ouchie. Damn it all!

Those damn Mac ads: any idiot who thinks Macs are easier to use, or better for graphic design does not even deserve to touch a computer. Those who sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither – Thomas Jefferson. Those who sacrifice power for ease of use deserve neither – Alan. Enough said.

Now on to the list!

The List (con’td)

Anthony: A-, I was gonna give you a B, but you are bilingual and so that’s always worth extra credit.

Hope: A+ and a gold star, I was going to give you just an A, but in seeing your new hair you must be rewarded, you are the only one to get a gold star, appreciate it, breathe it in, love it.

Kevin: I hope all is well with you, you are my favorite Joo-ish friend, even though you are gonna go to hell for killing our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Mad props J-man. I hope you’re okay, your myspace gives off the impression that you and your girlfriend are no longer together, I hope it’s wrong. We should totally hang, you should come with me to see the Warped Tour. Grade: B-, you were gonna get an A, but you turned in your work late so I had to deduct points.

Moriah: I miss you, we never talk, we never hang, we never do nothin’. That should change. As soon as you turn in more assignments I can give you a grade. Grade : O.

Shana: How could I leave you out? You were my best work friend. You are such a good person, I really misjudged you, I’m sorry for that. I hope you get everything you want and need, and I hope you rule the world someday. Grade: A and a silver star.

Rebecca: I really missed talking to you. I really miss you, I wanna come up and see you. It was a breath of fresh air hearing from you. All will be well, Superman is Back! Grade: O.

Topher: Damn? How could I not bust nor commend you? Topher is big pimpin’. He can be an asshole, but he’s a great guy. I give him an F and an A, Grade: C.

Sylvia: you’re still a whore.

People I have made fun of thus far:

Black People
Mexicans
White People
Chinese (Jun Tao)
Indians (India Indians, the Native Americans have suffered enough)
Jooish people (I know it’s Jewish)
Sylvia (To those that don’t know her, the whore)

Coming up next week on the Alan Show: Bend it like Vishnu. Stay Classy internet, good night and good luck, Sylvia is a whore.

Getting Fired Was the Greatest Thing Ever!

So it's been a while...

Where do I start?

I cut my hair: So I finally did it, its been long awaited, no one thought I would do it, but I did, I did it damn it. Jesse Barnes told me it looked like a fro, I felt it was time to say good bye. I can't say it doesn't feel weird losing all that weight from my head. When I take a shower, or go to sleep, I feel like a long lost friend has disappeared. It would be more depressing if my hair didn't look absolutely amazing, but it always does.

In the shower this morning I made a new song, and it goes something like this:

Alan doesn't work for BestBuy anymore,
Alan doesn't work for them,
He's too cute and he's too dreamy,
To be stuck behind a blue uni,
And some ugly off-white khaki's!
Because everyone knows,
Alan just glows,
And he's too amazing,
To be stuck in retail,
Sylvia is a whore,
Alan doesn't work for them anymore,
So if you need to use his discount,
Just ask Nicole.

Just kidding, I never gave out my discount, that is immoral and wrong. But while we're on the point of BestBuy, I want to say goodbye to those I hate and love.

The List

Sylvia: literally, the only reason anybody is nice to you is because they want to stick there penis in you. You have absolutely no soul, you have no personality, your laugh is infectious, and not the good kind. Literally when I hear you laugh, I feel like I just caught a strain of the Ebola virus with a little bit of AIDS mixed for fun. I've wanted to say that for so long. The only reason why the females are nice to you, is because they are busy calling you a slut behind your back. Trust me on this, after you gave up the butt sex to that guy in PCHO who will remain nameless, it all went downhill. You'll never live it down, literally. Grade: F

Jay: I love you babe, you were always fun and great to be around. I will always have a special place in my heart for you. Grade: B+ (I gave you a B only because you're married, sorry I had to)

Matt Clark: You're not as sexy as Jay, but I'd have to say you are a great friend. You were always there for me, and I really hope you find a way out of that hell hole. I almost wish you could get fired too. Trust me, it's better than it sounds. I really hope we remain friends after BestBuy. Grade A-

Nicole: your cousin is a fucktard, apparently fucktard is not a word. Oh well. Anywho, I always love hanging with you, and really can't wait till we hang out next. Note: writing on Alan's face, not cool. Grade: B

Anthony: dude, I can't believe you fucked that girl from customer service in the ass. She will remain nameless too. We need to hang, play Halo, and just fuck with people, when you wanna hang and have fun, call me up.

Jeff: dude, how could I leave you out of my list? You're my best friend, you're always fun to hang with, and you put up with a hell of a lot of my crap, thanx. Grade: A

Hope: I could literally copy and paste what I wrote for Jeff for you too. You are always there for me too, whenever we hang next, Starbucks is on me.

Matt Nelson: I would like to say I always admired you a little. I was a little disheartened when you were depressed about firing Sergio "I stole $500 from an autistic woman" Chula Vista, and I was also hurt by the fact that you think Mike will prosper as a home theatre sup. but oh well. All in all, I still respect you, and wish you the best.

Mike: You are a dipshit, you are a tool, you frustrate the fuck out of me, I am so glad I don't have to work with you ever again. In spite of all that, you are a good person, you have morals and standards, and to you like all good people I wish only luck and prosperity. Grade C

Isabel: it all started with you, it always does. I know we aren't talking, we aren't even friends, but I also wish you the best. I always loved the fact that you are such a pure hearted person. Goodness surrounds your heart and soul. At least, that's the way it used to be. That girl is still alive, but she hides behind the shadow of this facade of a selfish ugly girl, a girl that doesn't have an ounce of concern about anyone but herself, a person that uses people in her life for however long she needs them, a girl that isn't you. Look in the mirror and ask yourself, when did I become an asshole. I really hope you find your way back to the goodness that is within.

Alexander: Kerry Ann is so in to you, ask her out. Trust me, I'm never wrong.

If I didn't mention you, trust me, it doesn't mean that I don't love you, its just, this is the Alan Show, and I don't always have time for everyone, I only have time for Alan.

If you have comments or concerns, I don't really care, like I said, this is the Alan Show, not the Bob Show, of the I'm A Slut That Wants Attention Show, so if you're hurt or insulted by my remarks, oh well.

Don't fuck with a Jedi Master, or this may happen to you.